hello dearies


back again a lot sooner this time.  i have had alot on my mind as of late,  alot of thinking  and among other things that i wish not to voice right now for fear of voicing them to myself and blowing things out and causeing a fight / really heated talk with the ones i love the most.

I wonder if im really in love with one of the people, Im doubting myself and how i cope with some things does not work well for me  and can only make things worse for me and the people involved  and i sometimes i wonder if i really and truly know who i am or what i am to people  or what i really mean to people in my life. its like who i am what am i, what do i mean to these people do i love my self enough to be/become the person im meant to be am i strong enough if i lose one or more of the people i love that i could be able to survie once they are gone, only two people in my past that have made the most impact on my life are now gone ( my grandmother and one of my best friends from high school they are both in the summerlands/heaven) and when they pasted on it nearly broke my spirit and will to live.both are severely cracked now since they have pasted because  both times  i never did get to say good bye or tell them how much i truely loved beyond belief and beyond words it scares me if i lose another person i love now to death or something else that they will never know how much they mean to me and how much they made an impact on my life as a whole and my life is now richer because of them and their love for me whether it be as friend or other

Ive caused people pain in my life unintentionally with my lack of thinking on a few things and it makes me wonder if im ready to get married to my long time boyfriend or if he sees me as ready to be his wife.




I dont know sometimes anymore about myself and the self doubt is a whopper of these things that most of them time get the best of me im just really confused right i think that is all i really am or im thinking to damn much which i do sometimes or most of them time






brightest blessings