Yep Back again today, After learning that Grant wilson from ghost hunters is leaving but There are lot of other things that are weighing down on my mind recently and its really starting to get to me.
I normally dont let things bug me as much as i used too. That trait I just recently learned for myself. But Every now and again things will get to me like i said in a previous post I tend to hold things in alot and i don’t speak up and let it out and even though i do like to talk about everything else then what im feeling and that tends to get me in hot water with my boyfriend because he likes to know what im feeling and what im thinking because he really loves me and cares for me that deeply. But what’s bugging me didnt come up until recently and of cousre i dont let what people think about me or there dislike of me get to me but this is.
Well not many of you know that my boyfriend works at a fast food place and that i dont have a job as of yet and Im still looking but my boyfriend’s coworkers from his fast food ace of work have an averse to me not haveing a job and how much he spends on me. I know that his boss doesnt like the fact that i dont have a job and how much my boyfriend spends on me and his boss has metioned to him and some of his coworkers have said the same to my boyfriend. But im sitting here everyday all day looking for work but there are days where i dont look for a job its only like one or two days that i take out of looking for work for myself and thats when my boyfriend comes over to see me and maybe even the weekends i dont look for work but a big chunk of my days im looking for work.
I’m sitting here thinking about this and the more i think about it the more it bugs me and gets me down and the more i feel like his boss and coworkers dont like me because im not working. And i normally dont let what others think affect me so much like it is now. But besides being a little down about grant wilson leaveing and this crap going on with my boyfriend’s boss and coworkers is really getting to me and its mainly about his boss and coworkers that are now putting me on the verge of tears because it is stressing me out a little bit im looking for a pity party or for people to feel sorry for me or anything but its sliently makeing me feel like the shittest girlfriend on the face of this earth because i dont have a job or a job in the feild that i went to school for.
I dont think they understand how it feels to go to school for something you really want to do and you cant even pass the state boards for it. Cause i can tell you right now it makes you feel like the biggest failure in the world and you kind of beat yourself up over it internally and i have been doing that for months now and it qutie literally is killing me on the inside and yes its that bad with me and i am that bad about things and it makes me think back on allt the times that people said that i couldnt do it but that was in my past i proved them wrong by going to school for it and passing my classes and such. But still that gets to a person.
Like everyone one says “you are your own worse critic” and thats what im doing right now but failing something is like the worse feeling in the world to feel well for me it is the worse feeling in the world to feel. its like im crying partly for what im feeling and partly that im relizeing now since im tpe talking to you guys about this im seeing what my boyfriend has metioned to me in the past and what others have told me and its finally clicking for me in my head.
And i feel a little silly right now too. here is a little something about me that only a very few know about me. I can write out what im feeling like on paper or on here better then i can say it out loud to others its like my brian can fully make up the words and make my mouth say them out loud but I can better say it on paper or in a text or on here on wordpress.com I think its because I have to think about what im going to say next but i can only do that with few things when im talking out loud which is really weird. Because for some off the wall reason i feel smarter when im typing something out even though i cant spell worth a shit a good part of the time.
tahnks you guys for listening to me going on about myself and me haveing a very tiny pitty party for myself and i know i need to stop holding things in and not speaking upo fully about shit and things like that but hoefully with writeing this post will help me keep growing and learning about myself and teach not only myself but others not to make the same mistakes i have in my life or to see fully about setain things I dont know I just hope that my posts help someone anyone even if it is just one person or even if its many.