the chill is over

hello dearies,


finally the winter chill is over thankfully, but now its far to warm even for me. which is saying a lot.

but that’s Ohio for you though lol. i know its been a while since ive lasted posted anything like i said i would but life has been a bit crazy here. helping people i care for move, and not seeming to be a good job at doing that last weekend and annoying them in the process. And one of them not being able to speak up about it to me, not without feeling like they cant talk to me without feeling like they are hurting my feelings or feeling like they are alienating  me or something along those lines. then add on my own inability to communicate with them (the people i care for) and the male saying he doesn’t know that much about me in the first place.

i feel like a part of me whats to say to at least both of them or one of then “well look here mother truckers,she (the female) has known me for like idk 13 years this aug, and you of all people have known me for 10 yrs (that being towards the male) and most of the time yall really don’t like hearing what i have to say half the time because one i say it the way i feel it/ want it  and to yall it comes out wrong because  it doesn’t come out right most of the damn time”.

so sorry i cuss to much for such dainty  ears or for the ears of children (which when there kids i try very hard not to cuss in front of little ones) its like look we are all adults here and i feel like if they cant handle me cussing just because well i cuss like a well educated sailor, its just who i am and how i speak sometimes when i cant find any other words. i didn’t know that i had to be what would be considered a lady in polite soctiy.

i didn’t know it was the 1700-1800s again. sorry don’t play that way, im so not dainty, or prim and from that time era,not downing that era they had some very pretty houses and dress and had a few good ideas about certain things and a few good investons and things like that. but now in this day and age woman have come along way, we are tough as nails take no bullshit type of women now we are strong and so radiant and awesome as all get out and so beautiful. And it doesn’t matter where we are on our paths in this life it could be the little girl down the street who is coming into her own, or the teenage coming in her adulthood finally finding herself or finding herself while in college, the cool lady three doors down  who loves to sing at the top of her lungs that is in her 20-30 somethings or the 40-50 something woman who gardens so much her garden is overflowing with beauty and veggies and fruits that could help out the whole block with veggies and other yummy stuff like that or the kick ass grandmas of the world and that’s in the house next door to you or apartment next door there is that woman in each of us at each stage of our lives.



i don’t know but im a weird one


till next time dearies

brightest blessings






good weather and old poems

hello dearies,

its a new year, i know i know its already February, but its still a brand new year. im doing well after having the hysterectomy. im about 7/8 weeks out or im already 8 weeks out lol i don’t know i cant remember lol nut its ok im pretty much fully healed  now thankfully, im still dealing with a little bit of the aftermath of going through that and dealing with winter here in ohio lol.




But i am doing well  for the most part, though my anxiety has gotten a little worse then what it was before my surgery, its super annoying though. i hate having to deal with it. and it seems like it came about when i started to work at my old job….. i have started to think that it was my old job that caused my anxiety to show itself ,because i think i have mentioned before in old posts that myself and several others on night shift had to do -not only our posts- but that of another persons because people would call off or quit or the shift before us wouldn’t do want they needed to do before they would leave for the day. but anyways such as life things happen, and what will be will be.



a couple of days i was cleaning in the basement going thourgh old totes and boxes i found a few pages of old poems of mine from 2004 and 2006-2008, i thought i had lost most of them,during a few of the movings i have done im glad i found them. and we have had good weather yesterday and today, which makes me happy cause im so sick of this winter bull honky, ugh. But anyways its helping me out a little bit just for the mere fact that it has gotten warm this soon. im in heaven lol yeah im a dork lol.



i did get a few things i want to do done today like reading one of the books i got from the library over the past few days, made a few candles that im thinking about selling that’s after i make a few more  that is lol . cleaned my room and my altar,  just doing my own thing and being myself.


wells its getting late here, i must be off and get some sleep.



brightest blessings.







still here

hello dearies,



I’m still here I’m still alive and kicking its been 3 weeks since I had my sugery and its being a few days since my post-op check-up just last week


I’m healing up nicely, and also found out that I’m no longer at risk for the cancer to come back as well. was still able to keep my overies. I’m sorry it just took me three weeks to actually getting around to this blog. but I was sleeping a lot off and on for the first two weeks after coming home that Saturday dec 30th last year well just last month.

but my doctor says I’m healing up well and that everything is going good thus far just cant push or pull things like landry baskests and such and still cant lift anything over 5-10 ibes and no sex for a little bit longer(4-6 (weeks) months), sucks but  that’s just how it works just because I had a hysterectomy and I have an stetiches where my thingie was it starts with a c and I so forget what its called now lol just watch I’m going to rember what it is later lol but yall know what I’m talking about hopefully lol

and it also doesn’t help I’m a little tired right now

ill be back later on with another blog


brightest blessings






Hello there dearies,


back again, dealing with a lot of things that life has thrown my way, went to my osu appointment this past week I’m going to need a hysterectomy to remove my uterus and tubes.

And hopefully keep my ovaries if they don’t look cancerous, fingers crossed on that. its been a very emotional ride right now and my surgery is on the 22 on this mouth, I’m not looking forward to it. And a couple of family members are in a little bit of a tiff just because its that close to Christmas.

its like well sorry you aren’t the person that’s taking me up there so yall really have no say on when I get it done. I am. Don’t get me wrong I love my family but sometimes I wonder where they get off at being that way sometimes.

And the 22ed was the only Friday where they could use the robotics that they will be using for my surgery, and for the person who is taking me up there to go with me, since they are on the road during the week and Friday is the best time for them to take me since they are a truck driver and they have there own doctor appointments they need to go to on Fridays.

so in about 3 weeks I can say bye bye to my  uterus  and bye bye to the grade one cancer that is in there. osu said it was grade one instead on grade two from what the specialist said it was but my best bet is to still get the hysterectomy, so that’s I’m going to do. though it may sounf like ive giving up on carrying babies but with saving my ovaries  by going this route I can use someone else to carry my babies to full term with no dangers to them and their health, which I am going to be very gratefull to the person who does carry them. So there is hope for me to still have the ability to be a mama.

the two people  who went with me are the best too, I wouldn’t  have been able to go through this without them and I would have gone crazy if it wasn’t for them too.thankfully I have a tablet that I can still get online with like facebook and on here as well and being able to let yall know whats going on with me and how I’m healing. Cause I know after the surgery I may not be able to sit up like I am now.

the good thing about going up to osu they gave me a binder full of information on what I’m going to have done and what to except and everything like that I wasn’t excepting them to be  that well  put together with the information and everything like that and that through either but they went well beyond what I was excepting and all which is really good. and they made it super easy for me to understand too.


well I will keep yall updated on whats going on, I’m hungery lol.


brightest blessings







the most stressful stuff ever to deal with

Hello dearies,


im back  about two weeks ago i had a surgerey done a dnc and a leep, the leep was never done by my obgyn for the mere fact that he had seen something weird. but let me backtrack a little bit here.


Back in june i had my first obgyn appointment ok also no big deal  still very normal , for a papsmear. No big deal pretty normal stuff  again but after leaving  and going home and after a couple of weeks i got a call from the hurse that helps out in the office at my obgyn and says that my cells have come back abnormal, ok what does that mean abnormal ? well it just says that they are abornomal  we need to make another appointment. well ok made the appointment whatever.

i go they take another sample from inside, and run the tests the cells still come back as abnormal, its like what the fuck  here pple of course they are abnormal thats what the first test told yall anyway.

but they had to do sugery to make sure nothing else you know super wrong with me and so since i had the frist to tests down between june and augest/sept/oct, (sorry if the timeline seems weird im still reeling from the news i got the other day but im getting to that). So i get the surgey set up get blood work done and the ultra sound  done (dont ask me why they needed to an ultrasound).

im freaking out left and right for about a fucking week before the damn sugerey i throw up once the day after i went to renni and once  after  my grilfriend ,had her urtus taken out weeks ago and i had my sugery two weeks ago so three weeks ago now, and i had an anxiety  attuck  a week ago before i found qwhat i did yesterday because my obgyn  nurse called me saying well you have low grade cancer and my obgyn was also saying i had displasa or hyperplassla  something along those lines  (sorry my memorey is super shitty right now im on overload right now please bare with me)

so my obgyn refers me to a speaiclest , they called me the same day that i had found out that i had low grade cancer to set up the appomient for yesterday.

So i went, waited for what seems like forever and a daisy, who in there right mind keeps someone waiting for like two and a half hours who is diabetic,and has anixtey promblems on top of that and is super impanitce as all get out and starts to get pissy when she doesn’t get food or an answer to what the hell is going on with her girl parts ?


well his nurse pratnicer comes an=in and talks to me for a little bit and tells me i have grade 2 utrain cancer………………WHAT THE FUCK?!?!……………………………… then about 25 mins later the spealitst comes and says the same thing and at this point there arent many options for me besides having my urtus taking out or get a second opoion and go to a ferlity doctor, i asked to get the second opioin and go to a ferlity docotor………………… now im thinking maybe i should just have my shit taken out instead of risk my life with the second opioin. But i really wanted to have  children and now ive lost that chance to birth my own, and it hurts my heart that i cant now. my bloodline will end with me but will live on with my baby cosins though i have that going on, but for me it… its not the same because i wanted to teach my children the joys and the pride of being irish,and Cherokee, and a mix of our other ancestors, i wanted them to know where their blood comes from, and why it is so inporant to treat others of other decnets and natiollities with kindness and respect and to learn from them  by asking qestuions, to fuel their passions,their imgantions and their own creativies.

to find their place by doing for themselves and help them if thats been taken away from me. im scared, i feel alone, i would say mad but im not even mad im more sad then anything, i really wanted a baby girl and a baby boy.


im sorry………im in tears



brightesst blessings